Reasons Why Sometimes I Feel Suicidal

Hey, it's me. Ready to tell you my rant...again...as always, feeling bluetiful (I made that up, that means when you're feeling blue/sad but also feeling beautiful at the same time).

So, my previous post is about a few lame tips for people who have suicidal thought. I don't know why, but I feel the need to keep up the theme. So, I was thinking why not telling why I feel it, why I feel that way. Because you know, some people would say, "oh you're just following the trend, just stop it and forget about it."

Let's just be honest here, the thought won't go away from me. Like at least I have suicidal thought once a month, or even worse, once a week.Like one day I'd feel all fine, and the next day I'd feel I just want to die or never existed at the first place, and then I'd be okay again. That's how it works for me.

The reasons why I never do it because I never have a gut to do it. Because everybody knows that it's gonna be so freaking painful. So, actually I'm still looking for a way to do it painlessly, even though I know there's no way to do it without feeling any pain. And the other reason is that I'm afraid of uncertainty of the afterlife. Because you never know what's going to happen, just like life, you'll never know what's gonna happen tomorrow.

I believe that everyone has their own reasons why they feel suicidal. I have my own too. And you're about to read it. I don't care if you don't believe it, I'm not gonna trying to make you believe it anyway. No matter how many proofs I give to you, if you don't believe it in the first place, you'll never believe it.

Depression is like the main reason why I have suicidal thoughts so many times. But there are reasons why I have depression that which is make me have suicidal thought. 

1. Loneliness
I remember when I was young, I'd hit my head as hard as I could to the wall, and I'd stop when I feel tired. I also remember, I'd cry so hard under the table in the living room in the dark. I remember I was blaming myself for being so sad, for being so lonely. I remember I had depression when I was young and never asked for help. I do had friends at Elementary school, but as soon as I entered my house, the depression hit my face like a truck. And during waiting for my parents to came home, I'd do literally anything to make myself not lonely, and when the loneliness hits me, I'd cry myself out or hit my head to the wall.

Somehow the depression gone when I entered Middle school until High school. Maybe because when I got home, I didn't have a chance to feel lonely, because my mom is already back from work. But now it comes back. I do have friends, 3 amazing best friends. But they're all busy, and I'm here jobless, not going to college. So, I cannot talk to them whenever I want to talk to them because I'm afraid that I'm gonna interrupt them.

This feeling makes me feel so worthless. I feel like nobody wants me at all. So, I always think, if nobody wants me anymore, what's the point still living this miserable life?

2. Financial Crisis
I'm jobless, but not totally jobless. I help my mom at the cafeteria of a big company, and somehow our income is decreasing. You know everything needs money such as electric bills and food. It's just so frustrating that we have so much to pay but we have less income. I feel like this is my fault, I just make my Mom's life more harder than before, that's why I have suicidal thought, I think if I die, her life would be easier, so much easier.

3.Abusive Family
Last but not least, my abusive family. This one is super complicated to tell, so hard to put it into words. 
But the point is they are not physically abusive but mentally, and you know what, it hurts more than anything. My Mom abused me physically a couple times but the pain will gone in 2-3 days.

So...Please Kill Me. Just Kidding. But seriously tho, kill me already. Anyway, thanks for coming by. Bye

If You Have Suicidal Thought, Read This!!!

Suicide. One word, million reasons. That one word could leave million tears, million sympathies, and million people that suddenly care about you. But where are they when you still alive? Where are they when you asking for help or even begging for help? Where are they when you're trying to reach out for someone to talk about your problem? They are all disappear.

Suicide could caused by million reasons. But from all those reason, there's one beyond reason. One reason that could destroy you. Destroy your body, your brain, or maybe even your soul.

After holding that one reason for too long, and you couldn't take it anymore. After screaming for help, and no one offers you a hand. That time, you think about it, you think to do it, you think how to do it. You've been thinking a plan about it. I know you think about how hurt it's gonna be when you do, no matter how you do it, no matter what method you do, you know it's gonna be hurt. I know you think that hurt it's nothing compare all those hurt caused by whatever reasons you have. But, folks, listen to me, don't do it! Don't commit suicide!

You might be thinking, I have no idea about how you feel, how you feel so depressed, how you feel so frustrated. But you thought wrong. I know how it feels. I know how depressing it is, how frustrating it is, how tiring it is. I feel what you feel, folks. I have suicidal thought so many times. I remember, once I have suicidal thought when I was young.

What stop me? I don't know. Maybe I just keep trying to get a help. Maybe I believe that someday I'll get a help, sooner or later. So, folks, if you about to do it, stop it right now and talk to me. Talk about everything on your mind. Talk about all the reasons. Talk to me and I'll listen carefully. I'll try to help you as best as I could.

Or if you don't want to talk about it with me, I have a few tips that maybe could help you or at least put off doing it. It pretty works for me, so that's why I share it with you folks. So, here we go. I hope it works to you.

1. Try to distract yourself from that thought

I always do this in the first place. Mostly I distract myself with watching movies or TV shows, or reading book. For me, those are the best way. In the world of books and movies, everything is amazing. People are better. Everything's different. And you get to know that there's a happy ending waiting for you at the end.

2. Keep yourself as busy as you could

If number one isn't working, try to make yourself super busy. Maybe you could exercise. Or, if you're not that type of person, like me, you could do chores, such as doing your laundry, or clean your room, or do any shit that makes you busy.

3. Listen to some sad songs and let yourself cry

If that doesn't work either. Make a playlist full of sad songs, listen it with earphone or headphone on, and let yourself cry as hard as you can. Let all those tears drop like a waterfall. These are some songs that could make me cry:

• Dancing On My Own - Calum Scott
• DNA - Lia Marie Johnson
• Empty - Olivia O'Brien
• Heavy - Linkin Park ft. Kiiara
• Human - Rag'N'Bone Man
• i can't breathe - Bea Miller
• Liability - Lorde
• River of Tears - Alessia Cara
• Save Myself - Ed Sheeran
• Sign of the Times - Harry Styles
• Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots
• Stone Cold - Demi Lovato
• Talk Me Down - Troye Sivan
• Till It Happens to You - Lady Gaga
• Unsteady - X Ambassadors

Or you could check a playlist that I made on Spotify, you could just click this link.

4. Sleep

Usually, after I did number 3, my eyes are so tired after producing a lot of tear, so I let myself sleep and pretty sure when I wake up, I feel a little better.

5. Scream yourself out

If you live near a mountain or a hill, climb it on to the top and scream as loud as you could, let all the anger that suffocating you out. Or you could hop on to a roller coaster and scream so loud while you ride it. I did it and I feel so much better

So, yeah, thanks for coming by. Share this on your social medias, maybe this could be helpful to others. And also follow me on my social media. Bye, guys.

#TBT: I Regret I Kiss Him

HEY, WHAT IS UP AWESOME PEOPLE? So today is Thursday, and I think I'm gonna start a new thing where I tell my old story when I was a kid or a teenager (wait, I am a teenager, isn't I?). And today I'm gonna tell my story how I kiss my ex-long-time-crush. This is gonna be a long story. So without further words, lets talk about it!

So, I have a crush with a guy (let's call him Scott, it's not his real name, I can't tell you the real name cause he probably gonna found out about this post) since I was on fifth grade. No, actually since I was on fourth grade but I didn't really sure about it cause I had a boyfriend back in that day (Yups, I'm on Elementary School and I have a boyfriend, please don't judge me).

We were in the same class and we kinda like to hangout together, so we always met and that's makes me like him more and more. He kinda cool. He's charming, he has tan skin and also he is a tall guy (I like tall guy tho).

After I felt sure that I have a crush on him, I told my close friend who also my classmate. But you know, people can't keep shit, specially girls. So my close friend told the other people in my class but gladly he (Scott) didn't know that I liked him, so that's fine.

The other day I had a chat with my classmate (let's call her Helga, its not the real name tho). And out of nowhere she changed the topic and she asked me if I like Scott or not. I'm shook! But I thought every girls in my class have known it so I said yes. And then she said, "I like him too!" I have no idea what to do, what to say, so we were just being quite for a couple minutes.

In the same day, same hour, another girl came, her name is Pamela (again, it is not her real name). And she had a confession to tell us. And guess what! She liked him too. I'm more shook! So, Pamela knew that Helga and I liked Scott too, so when she saw Helga and I talking together and she decided to tell us.

After that crazy moment, Helga, Pamela and I were often hangout together. We were kinda fangirl-ing together. We were sharing some information that we knew about Scott, what he liked, what he recently wanted, where he lived.

And after a couple weeks, we decided to do a stupid slash crazy idea ever. Can you guys guess what we did? I bet you can't guess it. We decided to make a letter (literally a letter, back in that day, I think we didn't have a phone cause we were too young to have a phone) to tell him that we liked him. That's so fucked up! You know what even worse? We asked him to choose one of us to be his girlfriend.

That time I had a feeling that he's not gonna choose me cause Helga and Pamela more good looking than me, specially Helga. But the thing that made me confident is that Scott and I liked to hangout together. So I thought he probably gonna choose me.

I forgot how we gave him the letter but he answered it the same day as we gave the letter to him. Guess who he chose? Obviously not me, duh. He chose Helga! I felt so betrayed that day. But I was successfully pretend that I'm fine, I'm cool with it.

A day after that fucked up moment, Scott and I were still hangout together, like nothing happened, like there was my name not on that letter. Even sometimes Scott told me that how happy he was cause he liked Helga too. I'M SHOOK!

Cause we were still hanging out together, so I thought I'm just gonna accept the fact that it's better that we were being best friend. So I tried to move on, I tried to find another guy, and I found one. I forgot who my bf was, but he was my classmate too. So that day we liked to tell our stories about our relationship and stuffs. His relationship with Helga kinda long tho. They were together til ninth grade or eighth grade.

So, on eighth grade we were still hangout and we were like to chatting/ messaging (we already had a phone so we can send message and stuff). We were in the same school but different class, but sometimes I liked to go to his class to hangout with him. That day I was single and he was not, he was still in the relationship with Helga and I had changed my boyfriend so many times. And I realized I had a crush on him, A G A I N!

One night, we texted about something. I remember it was Sunday night. I forgot what we talked about but then he changed the topic. He said on message that he wanted to kiss Helga but he was afraid that Helga didn't want to. And also he said he was curious how it fells to kiss someone. Because I had kissed a guy on seventh grade, I said it was good and fun and stuff. And then he asked me can he kiss me. And I was reading it for so many times, I couldn't believe that he asked me to kiss him. And you know what? I said yes!!! I thought why not, I had a crush on him that day. I thought if I can't have him, at least I can kiss him.

So, we promised that we were not gonna tell people that we kissed cause you know he was still in the relationship with Helga. And then we managed to meet near our middle school. When I got there, he already there. I was kinda nervous and so was he. And then he asked me, "are you ready?" And I said yes. And then we kissed. That kiss is kinda lame tho, I didn't really like it. But he thanked me so many times, so I think he liked it.

A day after that, on Monday, as soon as I got in school I told my close friend aka my classmate that Scott and I were kissing yesterday. I was so happy, I couldn't keep a shit by myself. And also my friend have promised me that she wouldn't tell anyone.

On Monday in the afternoon, I texted Scott and he won't reply and I was so confused. I tried to keep message him and then he replied. He said that he disappointed with me cause I can't keep a secret. So we were not talking for a year I guess and we were not that close again. We texted sometimes but not that often like we used to.

But now, we are lost contact, we are never meet again, the last time we met is when elementary school reunion which is 3 years or 4 years ago. I never talk to him again even though we are in a group chat but we never talk. I was following him on Twitter and Instagram and I asked him to follow me back and then he just said yes but he didn't follow me, so I unfollow him on Twitter also Instagram. I tried to keep in touch with him but he seemed not want to.

So, that's it guys. That's one of fucked up stories that I have when I was young. I regret that I kiss him that day. Please learn from my mistake. Thanks for reading this story. Please give a reaction on down below and comment as well. Keep visit my blog and stay awesome! Byeeee, xoxo.

Restoran Berkelas, Katanya

Hey guys!

Jadi kemarin (hari Rabu tepatnya) gue dan temen gue jalan ke sebuah restoran di daerah Kemang. Kita pilih restoran yang ada rooftopnya. Kita searching searching di internet dan dapat lah satu tempat yang menurut temen temen bagus viewnya.

Kita dress up biasa aja, gak terlalu glamor. Kita gak tau kalo tempatnya itu restoran berkelas (atau mungkin gue doang yang gak tau).

Jujur aja gue gak biasa makan di restoran yang mahal mahal gitu. Bahkan itu pertama kali gue ke restoran seperti itu. Biasanya mah gue ke Maccas (Australian slang untuk McDonald's) atau gak ke Pizza Hut.

Gue jalan berenam naik grabcar. Sampe sana kita disambut sama pelayannya. Gue berdiri paling belakang (itu semacam kebiasan gue kalo jalan paling belakang). Lalu terjadilah percakapan antara teman gue dan pelayan. Kita pengennya dapet table yg dirooftop karena kita mau foto foto (biasalah nowadays). Tapi ternyata kalo kita pilih table itu ada minimum paymentnya. Dan katanya min. paymentnya sebesar 1juta. Gue dan teman temanpun kaget, karena menurut kita itu cukup banyak. Kita pun akhinya pilih table yg di dalem karena gak ada minimum paymentnya.

Setelah beberapa dekit kita duduk, kita berdiskusi tentang ambil table di rooftop yang kita incer. Dan setelah sepakat, kita pindah ke table yg di rooftop itu.

Sampe di table idaman, kita pilih makanan dan minuman yang kira kira bisa mencapai total minimum payment. Setelah order makanan, temen temen gue pada langsung foto foto di tempat yg menurut mereka viewnya bagus, except gue dan salah satu teman gue (sebut saja dia Ica). Gue duduk duduk aja sama ica sambil membicarakan restoran itu dan hal lainnya. Gue sejujurnya agak bingung dan risih selama disana. Dan gue juga kecewa sama restoran itu, atau lebih tepatnya sama service disana.

Menurut kita pelayan disana judes judes. Kenapa? Pertama, waktu pelayannya bawa makanan yang kita pesan dan bilang kalo pesenan kita udah semua, gue bilang "makasih" dan dia diem aja langsung balik. Kedua, pas kita minta fotoin sama pelayannya, dia jawab "sebentar", sedangkan sama yang lainnya langsung difotoin.

Makanan disanapun gak begitu enak. Most of us pesen pasta, dan menurut gue masih enakan pasta di Pizza Hut atau Steak 21. Temen gue pesen sandwich, dan dia bilang yang enak dagingnya aja. UdaRACISTh gitu, salah satu dari minuman yang kita pesen ada rambutnya.

Ada lagi yang bikin gue kecewa. Menurut gue customers dan pelayan disana RASICT. Jujur aja emang dari penampilan kita biasa-biasa aja. Dan rata rata customers disan,a pada ngeliatin kita, menganggap kita lemah, gak punya uang, miskin, atau gak mampu bayar makanan disini. Kata temen gue, ada satu customer dr gerombolan cewe cewe hitz yang ternyata juga norak menertawakan kita. Tapi ya i don't give a fuck juga sih, cuma kecewa aja orang orang pada RACIST dan JUDGE BY IT'S COVER.

Kalo di inget inget pasti bikin kesel deh. Tapi gue selalu mencoba buat "take a good side of things". So menurut gue, itu buat pengalaman aja dan buat pelajaran. Gue dapet 3 hal yang buat jadi pelajaran, yaitu 1. Jangan RACIST, 2. Don't judge a book by it's cover, 3. Jangan pernah ke restoran berkelas lagi.

That's it guys. Mungkin gue gak cocok sama restoran berkelas gitu, gue cocoknya dikamat aja, delivery Maccas atau Pizza Hut sambil baca buku.

Thanks for reading my another gak penting shit. I love you guys, a lot. See you on my next post xoxo

This Is Me

WARNING!!! I just want to tell about my rant. So if you looking for something useful in your life, I suggest you to stop reading this because I don't know where/who should I tell my shitty rant.

So, I told you guys that I'm in Pare-dise to learn more about English language. And some of my friends want to have a trip somewhere tomorrow. And I'm not interested at all, like at all! Because I'm not a person that like travelling or something like that, I rather stay in home, reading books and listening music.

One of my friend insist me to come with them but still I don't want to because I have another plan to go to bookstore and also I don't like travelling to a place like mountain or forest or something that nature. And my friend keep saying, "Tias, you don't have adventure in your life" and I was like, "Bitch...do you think I care about that? Bitch I don't care at fucking all." And she keep saying that. It's so annoying. I come here to study I don't have plan to go somewhere or having vacation. I don't get it. Like she is judging me because I don't want to come. I'm so piss off. And unfortunately she is my fucking roommate. Oh God just kill me. I really hate her.

Peace, Love.

My Goal

It's a really really good day for not doing anything. Well...I'm not doing anything everyday. All i do just sleep, eat and read. Yups Read. It's really weird that now i like reading so much. I dont know why, it's just so weird. And i could spend all my money to buy a book. Every week my mom give me some money and i spend it all to buy some books. After that my mom will ask me where all my money goes and i told her that i bought some books and then she mad at me. Such a weirdo.

Well my goal is having a bookshelf with a lot of books. But 1. I dont have a bookshelf, even though i have bookshelf 2. I dont have a lot of books. So im always gonna buy books and im gonna safe the rest of the money to buy a bookshelf. I hope i can do that, wish me luck *fingercrossed*

What the hell am I doing with my life?

Lately, I have no job and nothing to do. So I'm always checking my phone to make sure that nobody text me. And yeah, nobody text me.

Now I have nothing to do, and I got so bored. So I decided to open Instagram, and then I found a picture with some questions, and BOOM! I get an idea to make a post about it. Without future do, let's get started!

1. Name
My name is Tias Witri Astuti. Ya must be already know it.

2. Height
I'm not sure about it, but I guess it's 165cm.

3. Weight
Tbh idk, I guess more than 80kg and less than 100kg. I know I know, I'm fat af.

4. Age
Still seventeen, eighteen sooner.

5. Birthday
October 29th, 1997 #pleasegivemeagift

6. Girl BFF
Saviska maybe, idk. I don't believe something that forever

7. Guy BFF
Hm I don't have a boy friend, so I'm gonna say my brother, Arif.

8. Crush
THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER, bitches!!!

9. Ever fall in love
idk, food maybe.

10. Favorite food
PIZZA!

11. Last text
Hmm, nobody text me

12. Battery percentage
27%

13. Eye Color
Black

14. Addiction
Food

15. Favorite song
It's always change every week, but this week is Same Old Love from Selena Gomez.

16 . Favorite animal
Cat

17. Favorite color
I'm not quite sure, I guess it's black.

18. Shoe size
41/42

19. Sing in the shower
Yeah, im always sing in the shower and the song is Shower by Becky G

20. One wish
To be a member of Taylor Swift's Squad

21. Best time in your life
When I was a kid.

22. Country you live in
INDONESIA, baby!

23. Pets
A hamster named Hammie. My parents won't let me pet a cat.

24. Plan on getting married
I'm not planning on getting married, married are suck. It can get broken like a glass.

25. Favorite subject
My glasses, can't live without it.

26. First kiss
He is an 370HSSV.

27. Insecure
My food in a fridge, my siblings might be eat it.

28. Ever self-harmed
Being nice to some bitches.

29. Who you love
THOMAS BRODIE-SANGSTER, baby!!

30. Miss anyone
I miss my self, when I was young.

31. Hair color
Ombre black to golden brown, I guess.

32. Relationship status
No comment!

33. Last song you heard
Back to December by Taylor Swift.

34. Biggest fear
God, pool, and being dumped

35. Believe in ghost
I do

36. Something you hate
When I put some food to eaten later, but my siblings eat it.

37. Favorite TV Show
Glee, American Dad, New Girl, Devious Maids, Suburgatory,  Phineas and Ferb, Kick Buttowski, The Amazing World of Gumball, Adventure Time, and many more.

38. Favorite movie
The Maze Runner Series

39. Favorite book
The Maze Runner series and Maximum Ride series.

40. Favorite food
Burger

41. Jealous of
Isabella Melling

42. Star sign
I have none, but I hope Thomas Sangster.

43. Middle name
Witri, which means the third children.

44. Worst habbit
Nothing, I'm perfect bitches.

45. Number of siblings
Two

46. Name of siblings
Arif dan Dian

47. Sports you play
Sleeping and eating *smileyfacewithnosins*

48. Talents
Is fart while sleeping a talent? if it is, it's my talent.

49. Embarrassing moment
Fall down in public place.

50. Future career choice
To be Thomas Sangster's wife.

Huft, it's a tough things to do. But finally it's done! Thanks for reading, hope u guys like it. See you in my next post.