Hey, it's me. Ready to tell you my rant...again...as always, feeling bluetiful (I made that up, that means when you're feeling blue/sad but also feeling beautiful at the same time).
So, my previous post is about a few lame tips for people who have suicidal thought. I don't know why, but I feel the need to keep up the theme. So, I was thinking why not telling why I feel it, why I feel that way. Because you know, some people would say, "oh you're just following the trend, just stop it and forget about it."
Let's just be honest here, the thought won't go away from me. Like at least I have suicidal thought once a month, or even worse, once a week.Like one day I'd feel all fine, and the next day I'd feel I just want to die or never existed at the first place, and then I'd be okay again. That's how it works for me.
The reasons why I never do it because I never have a gut to do it. Because everybody knows that it's gonna be so freaking painful. So, actually I'm still looking for a way to do it painlessly, even though I know there's no way to do it without feeling any pain. And the other reason is that I'm afraid of uncertainty of the afterlife. Because you never know what's going to happen, just like life, you'll never know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
I believe that everyone has their own reasons why they feel suicidal. I have my own too. And you're about to read it. I don't care if you don't believe it, I'm not gonna trying to make you believe it anyway. No matter how many proofs I give to you, if you don't believe it in the first place, you'll never believe it.
Depression is like the main reason why I have suicidal thoughts so many times. But there are reasons why I have depression that which is make me have suicidal thought.
1. Loneliness
I remember when I was young, I'd hit my head as hard as I could to the wall, and I'd stop when I feel tired. I also remember, I'd cry so hard under the table in the living room in the dark. I remember I was blaming myself for being so sad, for being so lonely. I remember I had depression when I was young and never asked for help. I do had friends at Elementary school, but as soon as I entered my house, the depression hit my face like a truck. And during waiting for my parents to came home, I'd do literally anything to make myself not lonely, and when the loneliness hits me, I'd cry myself out or hit my head to the wall.
I remember when I was young, I'd hit my head as hard as I could to the wall, and I'd stop when I feel tired. I also remember, I'd cry so hard under the table in the living room in the dark. I remember I was blaming myself for being so sad, for being so lonely. I remember I had depression when I was young and never asked for help. I do had friends at Elementary school, but as soon as I entered my house, the depression hit my face like a truck. And during waiting for my parents to came home, I'd do literally anything to make myself not lonely, and when the loneliness hits me, I'd cry myself out or hit my head to the wall.
Somehow the depression gone when I entered Middle school until High school. Maybe because when I got home, I didn't have a chance to feel lonely, because my mom is already back from work. But now it comes back. I do have friends, 3 amazing best friends. But they're all busy, and I'm here jobless, not going to college. So, I cannot talk to them whenever I want to talk to them because I'm afraid that I'm gonna interrupt them.
This feeling makes me feel so worthless. I feel like nobody wants me at all. So, I always think, if nobody wants me anymore, what's the point still living this miserable life?
2. Financial Crisis
I'm jobless, but not totally jobless. I help my mom at the cafeteria of a big company, and somehow our income is decreasing. You know everything needs money such as electric bills and food. It's just so frustrating that we have so much to pay but we have less income. I feel like this is my fault, I just make my Mom's life more harder than before, that's why I have suicidal thought, I think if I die, her life would be easier, so much easier.
I'm jobless, but not totally jobless. I help my mom at the cafeteria of a big company, and somehow our income is decreasing. You know everything needs money such as electric bills and food. It's just so frustrating that we have so much to pay but we have less income. I feel like this is my fault, I just make my Mom's life more harder than before, that's why I have suicidal thought, I think if I die, her life would be easier, so much easier.
3.Abusive Family
Last but not least, my abusive family. This one is super complicated to tell, so hard to put it into words.
But the point is they are not physically abusive but mentally, and you know what, it hurts more than anything. My Mom abused me physically a couple times but the pain will gone in 2-3 days.
Last but not least, my abusive family. This one is super complicated to tell, so hard to put it into words.
But the point is they are not physically abusive but mentally, and you know what, it hurts more than anything. My Mom abused me physically a couple times but the pain will gone in 2-3 days.
So...Please Kill Me. Just Kidding. But seriously tho, kill me already. Anyway, thanks for coming by. Bye
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