I'm Tired

Sometimes, when you feel sad, things that you love the most can't even help you. Neither the people you love so much. Sometimes, when you feel sad, all you really need is only those tears streaming down on your face. That's all. You'd cry so hard, so ugly, so much tears. You'd cry until you fall asleep. And in the morning, you'll feel better.

Yesterday, I cried myself to sleep. I was listening to the famous It Ain't Me by Kygo featuring Selena Gomez, and then a tear slid from my eye. It's weird huh? I mean, okay the lyrics is pretty sad but the beat is no way near sad for me. And it felt so good. The feeling when a tear coming down to your chin, the feeling when a tear wets your dry face, the feeling when you know that you're gonna crying for more than 30 minutes, the feeling when you know you have to stop having fun and crying instead.

I cried for hours. I don't know the exact time, but somehow I know I was crying for more than an hour. And thankfully, I was crying in the middle of the night, when all of my family was sleeping, or even dreaming about something that they're not gonna be remember in the morning.

I like crying in midnight. Knowing none of my family members would never know I was crying. I'm not the type of person who likes to crying in the public. Well, even though I did cry a couple times in the class. Once, when I was in the middle school, seventh grade I guess, I cried. I was looking at the window, and then all of the sudden, a tear sliding down on my face. Of course my friends noticed, and they were asking me what was wrong with me, and sadly, I had no idea why I was crying, so I decided to tell them a crazy fucked up shitty lie, and they believed.

That's not just it. I remember that I was crying after fighting with one of my classmate. I don't remember what we were arguing about, but I was so mad and I couldn't say anything, so I sat down on my chair and the next thing is I was crying and for sure that my friend who sat beside me asked me what's wrong, and yet I was telling another lies, I told them that I felt my chest is so damn hurt when a friend that I was arguing with smack something so hard on the table in front of me. But the truth, I was not feeling the hurt on my chest, I was just wanted to cry so bad because I was so mad but can't say anything.

And there's many more lies I told my friends after I cried. It's not that I didn't want to tell them the truth. I just didn't really sure why I cry. I mean I'd cry for something in the first place, but then a couple minutes later, the reason is changed. It feels like I'm holding so many shits in my mind. It feels like I'm thinking too much about something and it's driving me crazy. And the thing is, I know I can't tell anybody about what's in my mind, because I'm afraid that they will judge me, that they don't want to hang out with me anymore, or the worst, that they think I'm lying when I'm telling the truth.

Once, I was telling one of my best friend about the worst story of me that I always try so hard not to tell anyone even my parents or my sister. I was telling her because I thought she could help and I trust her so much. But when I said it, it felt like she didn't even believe me and I think she was judging me. So since then, I always trying so hard to keep everything to myself. Even though, now that I have a few internet friends that are so kind and saying that I could talk to them when I'm feeling down, but I choose not to. Because I know, it doesn't matter to them. They would be feel sorry, but the next day, they'll forget about it.

Last night, I was crying when I'm listening to It Ain't Me and I thought maybe I was thinking about my mom because recently we don't have a good connection. But then I stopped crying and then I was crying again with another reasons, another thoughts. And then I'd stop, and a couple minutes later I'd cry again thinking about my mom...again.

Like right now, I'm crying. Why? I'm not even sure why. And I'd stop crying, and then smirk, and then crying again. Am I going insane? If it is, what am I supposed to do then? Tell my parents? Tell my friends? Do I have another choice? Because I know if I tell them, they wouldn't even help me. I am sick, mentally, not physically.

I feel hopeless. I don't think anybody can help me. And I have no clue what I should do. I'm tired but I don't want to die either. Should I keep crying every night until I fall asleep just to keep me sane?